Dearest Mamang

Whoever created distance is under scrutiny now for drawing it between us. I have lost all capacity to understand what it is for. There is nothing more that I want this time than to hug you. The pain of knowing that you need all of us there to comfort you but can't, at least not yet, pins me down to a chair, unable to do anything.

We fought hard. We prayed. We hoped.
Yet, time has given her verdict. It's decided to cut herself short for you. With that comes the inevitablity that soon, I will have you only in my memory. The pain of your absence can no longer be taken away by flight tickets or the familiar announcements at airports.
Home will never be the same.

But I have now.

A lighthouse in Ivatan, Batanes

The future might be dim, but the present is kinder still. I have now to tell you how much I love you.
True that even with the years, I have not yet fully understood what that means. But, with all the contradictions, the irrationality that come with that declaration, I cannot be anything else but certain about how much I love you and how I will miss you dearly.

Let me show that certainty by telling you a story about a boy.

Once, a long time ago, he searched the whole house. He went everywhere- the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedrooms. Everywhere to find you. An inch before giving up, he decided to go up the stairs to his favorite spot at the balcony to sit and wait. Then, he found you.

Because it is difficult for a child to pretend, a big smile lit his face, but only for a second. He remembered he was supposed to be upset with you. And then, you smiled and told him he could go with you downtown if he promised to be a good boy, if he promised not to ask for new toys. He was elated! He could not imagine how that afternoon would pass without you by his side. It did not matter if he had to write off miniature cranes and planes. For more than the toys, I could conquer the world with you.

Do you remember how he braved that river without you for the first time? You told him that a prayer is more powerful than you crossing the river with them (for he was with his little sister). He was only a little scared. For if the most powerful person in the world entrusts her little ones to a prayer, then saying the words is definitely GOD. He held his little sister's hand and told her, "Don't be afraid. I am saying the prayer, and mother is just at the other side, watching over us."

You taught him to be brave. You taught me to be strong.

Time went by, you stopped seeing them off at the side of the river because they have grown old for that. But I remember how you would still sometimes wait there, sitting on a rock, when they came home late and when it was raining (with their raincoats and umbrellas).

Mang, you have always been there like a lighthouse- a beacon, a respite.

Do you remember the time when he defied his father to go away for university? You went with him to the bus station, perhaps, half hoping he would change his mind, but the other half cheering him on to make his dream come true. Then, just when he was about to get on the bus, you slipped in his pocket what was probably the only money you had. I am not even sure how you would get home. You shrugged his worries away, and simply told him to do well and take care. It broke his heart to see your tears as the bus slowly left. But, you made sure to smile- an image I like to revisit when I am sad...until now.

The stories go on, but I do not think my heart could take any more. I will save what strength I have to tell you all these by your side. For now, let it be enough to let you know that you have always been the one to teach your little ones to utter a prayer when doing things for the first time. The mother who would watch over them till they get to the other side of the river safely. And the mother who would wait at the other side when it is late or raining.

Now, you are telling us again we have grown old for that. You want us to go on crossing rivers without you, with only the prayer you taught us to say.
I must have been a bad student to you. I have prayed hard these days, Mang. So hard, my heart aches. Yet, I cannot feel any strength to take a step. Perhaps, your little boy should have listened harder?

Your little one is going home to you soon. Hold on to that rock you like to sit on, waiting for us. We will have a little chat and I will hug you like you did me many years ago.

Kuya

Piso

I have been weaning myself out of the comforts of driving to work these days. Besides the fact that the expense of doing so has reached a level that can no longer be called rational, I like to think that I am, in my own way, helping the environment...
Alright, fine, I am being a scrooge, but this is not about me being unable to part with my millions...well, it doesn't hurt to dream, does it?
A few nights ago, after another late night off from work, I took the jeepney home. It is not often that I do this, but I took the spot beside the driver, at the front seat. Minutes passed, and I was just a few meters from my stop. Then, I was the only one left. The rest of the passengers had already gotten off. I was lost to thinking whether I should have another stick on my walk home or start taking quitting smoking seriously.

"Where do you get off?", I heard the driver say, interrupting my thoughts.
I said where without looking at him, thinking he was just trying to be a conversationalist. I have met drivers who talk non-stop just when I am about to answer when they ask, "Where to?", almost not minding wherever it is they are taking me to. So, I thought, this was going to be just another intelligent exchange...
"That's the problem with you people! You don't pay the exact amount. You say you are getting off here, but none of my passengers had given 11 pesos! Everyone should have gotten off by now!"
I thought, wha-? Not again!? What he just said was too familiar to ignore. So, before I said another word, I had to look at him to be sure my mind was not playing tricks on me. It wasn't. For a split second, I was convinced this was a proof of what some may call "eternal return". It was the same guy who said the same thing to me and another passenger a few months back! I remember yelling at him, then, to eat all the 1-peso coins in the world.
Still flabbergasted, I told him, rather surprisingly calmly, "You already said that to me before..." That caught him off-guard.
Then, followed an unintelligent exchange of untelligible expletives...
Cut the story short, I had not waited long before I got off. I know how people like him could be utterly crazy. Some would even go as far as slitting your throat for minding the way they drive. That moment, I made a decision to choose battles wisely. And wisely is not getting injured or killed or be jailed over one peso, so I walked away.

No, I brisked away thinking he might run me over for telling him how nobody knows who his father really is, not even his mother.

For all its worth, this experience has actually taught me five things:
1. It is not worth getting rushed to a hospital or getting jailed over one peso. Two pesos is a different story altogether, though...
2. It is very important to know how to choose your battles wisely, and that walking away does not always mean surrender or assent to an injustice.
3. There is a reason why people aspire to be rich and buy cars they can afford to drive to work.
4. It is a good idea to be rich, buy three buses and run drivers like that over three times.

5. It is a dangerous business getting creative over cuss words.

I take the cab more often now. It's still cheaper than driving to work. 

Buruwisan Falls

The first time I went to Buruwisan Falls, I told myself it was one of those places I didn't think I would go back to.

But, I did. Last weekend was, in fact, the third time.

Buruwisan

Buruwisan falls is not hard to get to. You only need to get on one of those Raymond buses going to Infanta Quezon. Get off at KM3 (Trois) restaurant in Barangay Macatad, Siniloan, Laguna. Once there, just ask around for the way to the registration center (a sari-sari store), where you pay 50 pesos to register.
Hiking to the falls is not very difficult. It takes just 2 hours for first-time hikers if you do not take too many (and too long) breaks on the way. There are also stores along the trail, selling Buko juice and other drinks, so no need to stuff your bag with too many bottles of water.

Hiking there in the rainy season could be a challenge, however. It could get very muddy. You may not be able to count the number of times you slip before you get to the camp site. On the other hand, during the dry season, the heat of the sun may be too much for you to enjoy the hike.

Lanzones

Last weekend's weather was very good, meaning, very hot (about 34C). We started our hike at 9am, so from the registration center to the first store, where we took the first break, it was gruelling. But that's also the best part about the hike to Buruwisan falls. You only need to get through the first part. The trail going to the camp site after that is not very steep.

According to the locals, there are supposedly 8 falls that we should be able to see. I have only been able to check out three of them: Batya-batya, Lanzones and Buruwisan. These falls are part of the Romelo river system that hails from the Sierra Madre mountains.
For me, Lanzones is the most beautiful, Buruwisan the grandest (especially during the rainy season) and Batya-batya is, well, cute. 

A sad thing about this place, though, is garbage. People who stay overnight are probably too drunk to care that they are slowly killing this place with the pastic bags, cups , bottles cigarette butts, etc, that they leave behind. Sadder still is the fact that it seems local officals are not allocating a part of the 50-peso registration fee in ensuring that this place's cleanliness is maintained.


Travel notes:
Terminal Location: Legarda Manila
Schedule: There is a bus leaving every hour.
Travel Time: 3 hours from the terminal

Batya-batya

Fare: 110
Note: Going back home, you can opt to take the vans in Famy. The fare is just 10 pesos higher.

Tips:
-You might be able to enjoy the hike better if you hike early in the morning to avoid the heat of the sun. Others trek at night or dawn even.
-If you decide to hike during the rainy season, be prepared for the muddy and slippery trail. 
-There are huts for rent at the camp site if you don't want to bring your tent.
-There are stores there, too, for drinks, canned goods, cooking oil, alcohol, etc.
-Avoid camping too close to the river during the rainy season.



See more of my travels here.

An Eldest's Prayer

The human lungs of an average-sized 60-year old can hold about 6 liters of water. With her lungs one-thirds filled with fluid, it is no wonder my mother has had difficulty breathing.
I am just glad I was able to persuade her to see a doctor, or it would have gotten worse. She was advised to stay in the hospital for treatment until she got better. Since then, I have been asking for updates from my sister who is watching over her back in my hometown.
When I found out about it, all I could think about was the expense. My parents do not have insurance, so surely, I would have to cut down on everything for the next few weeks to be able to send something for her hospitalization.
This reminds me of the horrid palm reading a friend did on me. He said that I am not very lucky with my family. He explained how my palm shows successes, but that my family would be dragging me down. That time, I was at the height of my cynicism, so I just laughed the whole thing off, and told him, who else could define my future but myself. It is impossible to find a correlation between what my friend supposedly saw on my palm and how I would decide my future to be.
Now, however, I can't help but look back on that conversation and wonder, Could it be true? I spent five years sending two of my sisters to school, ignoring my own wants. Within those five years, I thought, if only all the money I earned could be mine alone. I could have gone to places, bought nice watches, gotten a brand new car, or even my own place. Fact is, even after my sisters' graduation, I am still expected to send something back home, not as much as before, but still something.
And now, this.
No, my parents are not forcing me to do this. Perhaps, most parents don't. It is common practice, however, that the eldest be responsible for the well-being of the family, ensuring the siblings finish school, and that everyone is fed.
Most of the people I know- friends and colleagues- who are the eldest in the family have the same obligation. They all support their brothers, sisters and parents, regardless of whether these eldest sons and daughters have already started their own family or not.
I can't help but ask, what about me? Am I fated to learn to ignore my desires and be selfless? Should I start learning to appease myself with the idea that material things are not what can make anybody happy?
What about my dream of touring the entire country for a month? What about my plans of going back to school?
What is more frustrating is I seem to be the only one whining. People I know find some sense of fulfillment from performing all these that are expected of an eldest child.
Maybe, that's the secret.
I have forgotten how I had vowed to help when I was still a struggling university student. My desire to experience the world has blinded me from counting my blessings, from the simple joys of helping. It has made me forget what my parents had to go through just for me to be where I am now. My mother never had any hesitations of spending all her wealth just so I could go to the best schools. She has always supported me. I love my mother and I don't want her sick. Because I have the financial capacity to help, then I can have what I desire most- her speedy recovery.
In the end, my friend might be right about my palm. My family does drag me down, back to the realization of what I truly want.

A Bit of Luck

I cannot believe I am rediscovering the difficulty of having to choose between intentions and consequences. Ten years ago, I would have simply dismissed this as something that bored students of philosophy would like to entertain themselves with. A matter of no real consequence.
Until, I heard about a friend's friend, Brad.
Brad, screwed up on his girl, big time. See, his girl just became president of her school organization. She had told him about her plans for the year, and how good and exciting they are! Of course, she had thought that it goes without saying that these be kept secret till she had met everyone. She wanted to be the one to spill the beans.
Brad just did not have that in mind. All he thought was how proud he was of his girl, how the world needed to know about all these smart plans on Facebook and how it was all her idea...
And yes, brad graduated from the same school his girl goes to, so her organization's members are incidentally in brad's social network.
Sweet, really.
Fortunately, Brad's was not a matter of life and death, and I know that it's probably useless to be talking about whether his intentions were good. Or whether, anyone's intentions are good. Regardless, we ALL suffer the consequences- broken relationships, bankruptcy, jail time, or a hangover so bad you don't notice the traffic to work the next day. And the list does not stop.
So what is knowing the intentions good for? If, at the end of the day, what matters is the consequence, then shouldn't we start writing Merriam and all the other dictionaries to render this word obsolete? Seriously, having to forget one word would mean freeing some bytes of space in my memory, along with all the nonsense that I have just discovered, like how a university is to blame for one committing suicide.
Rightly so, if a driver, by some sheer bad luck, runs over a man stupid enough to cross the road when all the lights are green, would the driver's explanation be relevant? There are no such things as accidents, for which the one causing them is told, "Don't worry. That was an accident. Not your fault." Or told, "Don't worry. We know you did not intend to run him over, so it's fine." On the other hand, if that same driver maneuvers just in time to dodge the man crossing the street, he would be praised for being able to do so. He would be seen a responsible driver. Or  a hero even.
In other words, we are what the consequences of our actions are.
Unfortunately for Brad, he is a twat, by virtue of that definition.
But surely, his intentions account for something. After all, actions are usually driven by intent. Without purpose, there can usually be no action. Yes, it is not always that intentions lead to happy endings but, having good intentions, as Brad's, is often a good start than having cruel ones.
So, the question would be, what of good intentions leading to tragic ends?
Some might say, bad luck!
However, knowing what one had in mind for doing something less favorable in others' eyes is a ticket to understanding the action, then to forgiveness.
Brad might still face his girlfirend's reproach. She might not talk to him for days. (I have heard of girls do worse like dipping their man's toothbrush into the toilet bowl without him knowing it. Others pour gasoline on the poor guy's car, whose paint would slowly change colors after several days.)
Brad can only hope that she would listen to why he did it. To do that, he would have to admit stupidity or tell her how our rationality is limited in so far as knowing all the possibilities of an action is concerned. He must be able to talk her into believing how he intended it to be something good, even romantic. He must be able to turn her head from the shambles he has created and make her see what he really wanted to happen.

I can only wish him good luck.

I commit

I will not be able to sleep until I make a firm resolve to start what needs to be started.
Let this post, then, be a declaration of my commitment to writing.
Starting now, I will not be scared to write down my thoughts on matters that interest me or you.
I also firmly resolve that starting now, I will make good with my promise to concern
myself less with making mistakes, but more with learning about and improvement in all that's essential.