That has been in my head these days like a stubborn boyband song. It started the one time I pushed for a few more thousand steps to get past my goal of 8k and see that "congratulations" on my watch. When I did, I thought, Ok now what? Nothing else makes sense. Now, I struggle to even bother to wear socks to work without having to think about WHY?
On several occassions, this would be followed by thoughts about old age and what eventually follows, making every and any effort pointless. The only thing that has kept me going is the fear of something worse than dying. That of being a mediocre. Sad, shallow, and a bit pretentious, I know. But why did I have to count my steps! It makes me think about other things as trivial like knowing about the capital cities of all the countries in the world and why E. Dickinson cared so much about butterflies, or that we should make it a point to have passive income.
Just the other day, I thought deeply about brown belt and a matching pair of brown shoes. And also, just quite recently, I have added to my bills a gym membership because someone declared it's good for my health (the gym membership, not the bills).
Oh, norms we all subject ourselves to, which we pass for "fine" because others take comfort in them. All I really care about is wind on my face on a road trip and Saturdays. But even with the realization of the arbitrariness of things, it takes time to be ok with just the basics- just ensuring my balls are covered, so I can get home in one piece. There must be more than just agreeing with everyone or pleasing strangers!
Now, I wonder. How much of these are truly essential? Which, in itself, is a cause for irritation. For why bother? Because the little prince promotes so?
Things were much simpler when all I worried about was fetching water at the city water district facility across the river from home or cooking rice after school. I remember how I loathed these chores. But the worst were weekends when I had to go hike up to the farm in the heat of the sun. In the mountain, I'd worry about snakes or hornets, or whether my friends back home had collected more marbles than I had. A horrible thought! So, I swore I would finish school and sit at an office desk for a job. As it turns out, nobody just sits at an office desk for jobs. They also smile at the video camera even when listening to something frustrating and ridiculous. They drive to and from home and sniff menthol to keep awake while waiting for traffic to move, complain about it, and then be at it again the next day. It is, in fact, a whole messy web of complexity that goes on without end, making fetching water a welcome relief, a simplicity that is home.
But I have to be confronted with a question that sticks in my head like the latest pop song - whatever all this is for? It is funny how I still find time for this when I dont even have any for lunch. I could not count the times I would just agree to anything with anyone during meetings out of hunger, or the times when all I hear in discussions were food even when they were blabbering about solutions design.
It finds its way into my thoughts and, when you are in the middle of finishing something of great consequence (insert sarcasm here), it does not help.
So, I am acknowledging it. It is a valid question even when it does nothing but ruin schedules and, is in the way of my very own dolce far niente. They say that about solving a problem. First, accept it IS there. And then, resolve it.
Now, about that last part- resolution.
Blank.
Let me just backtrack and state the problem for the record, and in a manner that is clear: I have felt that what I am working hard for is pointless. Or to be clearer, I do not see the point of washing my face.
Let's take a read again. Let it sink in for a few seconds...
While the statement means something and definitely conveys important ideas that many of us would understand, it also does not make sense. It is a senseless problem about having problems about making sense. So, which brings me to my point about marbles and how I was right about not letting my friends get all of it back home. But really, what is the point of washing one's face? There are so many other more important things to do like learning to play the violin, understanding, whale migration patterns, finding ways to help reduce carbon footprint...
Just cooking rice now seems even more inviting.
I could really just be missing the point, too, you know.
When we talk about the why of things we sometimes think of it as if it's something intrinsic. We look for it in what we do like it is always a part of what it is. Like helping is for the soul, organic is health, financial freedom is happiness, etc. I know I do. And I could be doing the best things in life for nothing really. That's the problem.
But what about I define my why? What about I actively intend it? I do this because I decide THAT as my why. I do not do it for some made up definition by people I mostly have not even talked to. I sleep early because I need to be up early for sunrise. I like watching it like sunsets. I don't care if it's good for health. I drink water as much as I can because I do feel dry when I don't, plus it helps during long meetings.
Finding meaning is good, but I think, being able to attach meaning to things is even better. And attaching beautiful, sensible meaning to things, the best.
So, then, to what end? I can't stand my face when it's itchy, hence, the wash basin every night. It's also easier for sleep that way.
- All is pointless and it is fine.
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