This is a clear decision, but what is next still eludes me. I don't know if it's right not to be worried, but something tells me I am making the right choice.
The saddle to Mt. Pulag (Akiki) |
However, time is not one to take a break. And I have to think and act fast. Moments can flit like a shooting star.
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I was listening to music, then I went out for an unhealthy lunch, there was a moment of hesitation to go to a birthday party and now this. In a few hours, Saturday will accede to Sunday, and that feeling of not having accomplished anything will leave a bitter a taste.
So, let this be a mission. A simple one for now. I have some time to go back to perceiving the world as it turns. I will try objectivity, but I will fail.
Like listening to the sound of metal clanging from a distance. It's a ghastly one that makes me grab the glass of water in front of me and break it. Anything to drown the infuriating noise that seems to never end. But I also hear laughters- the kind of sound that's more musical than music. Then I will think to myself, life is good.
Time is ticking. I cannot waste any more as I have these many years.
The sound of metal clanging, the laughters, the indecision. My bed is not yet made.
Perhaps, I should start with that. With the bed.
And then, maybe, I will have the heart to let this day pass with some embarrassments and to answer questions I have always avoided. Of course, I want to be left alone arguing against time. But there is also beauty in doing that which is out of the ordinary. It is really no different from sleeping on a beach under a moonless night.
And the bed is still not made. Time is running fast.
I remember voices and images, perhaps from a movie or past conversations. That everything is pre-writing and writing starts with typing what is in your heart. I still think how it was unfair that his mentor dies in the end, but why defy inevitability? Why waste time and energy on something that is lain as a matter of fact? Why not think about unpeeled mangoes or uncooked lunch?
Yes. I might have wasted some time on truths. But they seemed very interesting, then. They were a perfect excuse from dealing with simpler issues like pollution. Or maybe not. Let's try "dust in the living room".
And why is it that when you are in a hurry the clock seems to tick faster and louder? I am not pressured, but I could feel my heart beating faster.
I think it is that I would soon be jobless. It is because what happens after is something that needs to be decided.
What is truly annoying is that for now, it is just because I know that I will be going to that party, and I would be uncomfortable.
And the bed is still not made.