"Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."
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| A jar of birthday wishes |
Yes, I tried not to mind it so much, getting another year older. For me, it is just another day, an inevitability. Yet, I have been feeling a little uncomfortable with the idea of ignoring it for two reasons. One, it is a day to be thankful for. Two, it is time to reflect.
***
I am still awed at how there are people who think of this day important because it is my birthday. My family, for example, I know how excited they get when the day approaches. In fact, one of my sisters came to my place and brought a gift and some food. The rest (who live far away), they called to greet me. My friends, too. Many sent text messages, and many more posted their wishes on my website. I could never be more thankful.
But this day is also for me to pause. At least once, in a year, I can think about what I have done, where I am headed, and about my own evaluation of life, if it has changed.
Often, I find myself getting anxious about letting days go by, as if cars fleeting by on a highway. I don't remember any of them. They all happen in the most ordinary way they could. They all lack substance. So, to make up, I would arrange trips that I could mark in my diary, that I could write about. For a time, they fill me, but it does not last. Several months later, the trip transforms into nothing but images and words that I post online.
I remember how I used to convince myself with the belief that life is the one adventure I am looking for. I told myself how I needed not plan on going anywhere to be challenged, to be inspired. I only need to notice things more. It's a shame that I still cannot remember the color of the flowers my neighbor has planted in his small garden by his front gate, which I pass by every day.
On my way to work, I only notice the smog and fail to really see the buildings and the two bridges that I pass by. In the office, where I spend most of my time, I miss a lot of things. I only think of stress when I need to solve a work problem or when I need to come up with a good proposal. I do not notice the miracles that take place.
When I read the messages (written in rolled, small pieces of paper) in the jar that my team gave me for my birthday, I saw a couple of times, how he/she looks up to me, how I am his/her role model. I was stunned. I never thought of myself as that. I never looked up to myself because I thought I was really just doing what I needed to do. Yes, I do things with passion and excellence, but it did not occur to me that I was touching lives, inspiring people.
***
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| My team's birthday cake for me |
Today, I had been restless since I got up. I did not want the weekend to start without a clear picture of what I should be doing, and that it should be something that matters. I searched the web, played some music, and imagined myself as sombody else. And just like that, it is now only an hour before the sun sets, and all I have done is validate the inevitability of time and the futility of a grand adventure other than each day.
I may still be looking for that simple thing or that I am probably getting old without anything to rely on. Be that as it may, I am very thankful for this never-ending adventure.
