The 21st

Twenty years, and we still don't greet each other happy anniversary not because we forget, though we don't really make an effort to remember, but because even if we want to, we don't know when exactly we started this journey together.

Twenty years ago, you had one extra tooth just above your incisor and canine. Your two upper front teeth had a gap that could fit a coin. And you barely opened your mouth to smile. Monster teeth, I called you.

Now, your smile's perfect. I sometimes forget it is, and how hideous it used to be. It's frightening to realize how much you have changed but haven't at the same time.
You bored me. Your idea of hanging out is drinking beer in silence. Quiet, but my frustration's so loud in my head I had had to say, you bore me. You replied, my topics are uninteresting. 

Over the years, you have learned to develop opinions on politics and people. We have even come up with inside jokes that weren't really funny, but would make us both burst to laughter. Though sometimes your argument seemed devoid of logic, you're now able to articulate ideas that challenge mine. It's irritating how sometimes they make sense.

Your spontaneity used to frustrate me. During travels, you like to explore. I just want to go by what I know, since I don't want to waste time. You said, that's what adventures are all about. I let you win.

You have forced me to see the things that I shouldn't like about myself. It's strange because all romance stories talk about how one is supposed to make the other feel better or be a better version of themselves. Blech.

So, to at least have a mark on my calendar each year, and a reason to make you buy me coffee, I texted, "It could be the 21st of Jan!" You replied, "why?", after fifteen minutes.

Well, it was a Saturday twenty years ago, and that's when we first kissed and then some...

You replied back, hmmf.

Clocks and Courage

You said good morning, and there's nothing else that came to mind but mountains to hike under the canopies of trees, onto the peak where sea of clouds roll, hiding the ocean below the horizon. 

Then, I say, in jest, "Of course, why woudn't it be?" You chuckled, and said something I no longer heard. Your words drowned by the sound of my beating heart.

***

It rained, I was about to open my small umbrella, and I heard you say from behind, I think I lost mine. We could share, I answered, but, it might not be enough for both of us. You asked if it would be ok, and I thought on that Christmas village, refreshingly cold. With a steaming cappuccino in my hands, I walk through the snow-covered streets of the village, and you, next to me. 

Friday Buzz

Disillusionment shatters one's world view and comes in strange forms. Mine was from a Friday buzz, and thinking spirits are out on the streets to get me.

-* -
I was at a bar, and was just about to leave after downing 6 bottles of beer and 3 plates of snacks. It was not that it was getting late but that everything has become an autostereogram,  and an image is beginning to form. It was an angry Jesus telling me I had had more than my usual four bottles. Also, even in my happy state, it was getting unbearable having a few stares toward my direction, because who would be drinking alone at a bar?

In that split second of  clarity, I had made a decision to head home. But not before doing another " bottoms up" for the road. The walk  to my place would take another 15 mins and it would be difficult to outrun the stray dogs when I could not feel my face.

Sofa Tears

At some point, one must feel like he has taken in so much.
And I have.

I sat on my filthy sofa, and thought, I should be doing some cleaning today, but that I should also give myself a pass for just not minding anything, not even the leaky faucet in the bathroom. It must have been the general feeling of exhaustion, the slight fever and the headache that got me weeping like a drunk, but why did I whisper, "I am really tired. I want to go home."?

Good Night

It was with a simple good night that I found out about a friend's passing. We were not close, but at some point, we had talked about photography and hiking. Probably, about grammar, too, as we both taught English. And just like that, this phrase has taken on a new meaning. What used to be just something people blurt out before sleep, and take for granted, now has become a sad farewell.

Good night, it wrote on his social media wall, as if he'd still be in the morning for coffee, or to post something I'd most likely ignore. Good night, like we've just had a drawn out discussion about rule of thirds and the last mountain we'd slept on. Interesting how this has created a euphemism for truth- that all has ended for him. It has also made it difficult to wish the same on anyone, a loved one, for example, for it no longer just means a good night. But does it just, really?

The Dare and the Wish

I caught it ever so slightly

That elusive stare 

that masterfully shifts towards my right

And that nervous, yet intentional calm

That only widens the door of doubt,

Extending my wish and prayer for someday

When I'll find out how 

the luxury scent melds with your sweat.

For you

You're sure you've done all?
I have and the wind says, 'Give up'.
But you've always wanted to be a physicist...
I think I've gotten old for childish ambitions.
You couldn't have been mistaken.
I have and I am determined to make it right.
And so you're leaving.

Braving Ignorance

We oftentimes squirm out of a situation that exposes our weakness, like knowing something that everybody seems to get but we don't. I remember how a group of friends in school before talking about Ang Huling El Bimbo and how the song was sad, and all I could do was nod and be as quiet as I could, and pray for the bell to ring. Fast.

Coffee and Decluttering

The dry season started about three weeks ago. And with it, the kind of humidity that makes showering a decadent dessert.

Why the wash basin at night

To what end?

That has been in my head these days like a stubborn boyband song. It started the one time I pushed for a few more thousand steps to get past my goal of 8k and see that "congratulations" on my watch. When I did, I thought, Ok now what? Nothing else makes sense. Now, I struggle to even bother to wear socks to work without having to think about WHY?

Transistor Radio and Summer

Back at my grandparents' place, decades ago, this was the source of news, music, entertainment and even messages (much like voicemail except everyone can hear it). 

Matnog to Allen

It takes just an hour and a half for the barge to get to Allen from Matnog. It's getting the documents approved and waiting to embark that could take forever!

Pray and Paddle Home

The earliest recollection I have of the 'power' of prayer is when I was about three or four years old. My mother, cousin, and I were on our way home from a nearby town to get replenishments for our small sari-sari.The sun just disappeared from the west and evening was starting. 

The small boat the three of us were in was riding the gentle waves. It was getting dark, and the wind, soft at first, was starting to pick up. I was getting drowsier by the minute.

 

I must have dozed off as the next thing I remember was mother telling me to hold on tight, rain feeling like dogs falling from the sky, and angry waves. We were now going up and down, left to right. I was holding on tight to both sides of the boat, while my cousin was paddling fast to shore.

Mother told me to pray, so we could get to that part up ahead where there were lights. I wanted to ask how prayers could do that, but rain water was getting into my eyes, and it was difficult to breathe. So, I prayed silently, and my hands hurt from the force of my grip of the boat. This went on for as long as trips from my house in the city to grandma's place. Very long.

Then, the lights ahead got brighter and bigger and, moments later, I felt the boat hit sand. 

We're back home.

The prayer I said saved us. 

Maybe, my cousin did, too.

2021 and Cycling

I had always been scared of biking on the road, with thoughts of getting hit by a truck and dying in a really embarrassing manner. I know how to ride a bike, yes, but I had only been able to do it in parks or inside the village where I live. I thought biking to be utterly dangerous...like sky diving. 

This year, however, with the limited outdoor activities and very little chance to do exercise because of the lockdowns and travel restrictions, I decided to seriously think about biking and embrace my fear (biking is allowed during certain hours of the day). After all, it was the same feeling I had when learning to drive and I learned it in spite of myself. So, I thought, how could biking on the road be any different? And so, the night before I was going to try out cycling from my village to a nearby park, I slept late reading blogs and watching videos that offer tips on how to safely bike on the road. 

My first try was horrible. Cars were honking past me, and one motorist even told me to get off the road if I was just going to block traffic, anyway. I froze a lot and my stress level was off the charts! I decided to get off my bike and just walked with it to the park. Going back home was no different. 

To put it simply, it was a disaster!

That night, I reviewed everything in my mind- where I made mistakes, how I almost got hit by a car, how I should have changed lanes, what I forgot to do, etc. I needed to learn more. For the next few days, I practised inside our village how to effectively get up to speed from stopping, watched a lot of videos and read a lot more on biking, too.

The following weekend, I tried again, determined to do better. All the late night videos and reading paid off! I was no tour de france cyclist, but I made it to the park and back home pedaling. Since, then, I have become much more comfortable biking on the road. And, as they say, achievement unlocked! 

This 2021 and the entire pandemic, to me, was marked with fear. Just like trying out to go biking. With friends of friends and some of their loved ones succumbing to the virus, and me contracting it last year (and fortunately, survived), it has been difficult to greet each day with enthusiasm. But I must continue to collect myself. Get up each day. Stretch. Get a cup of coffee. Walk the dogs. And believe that each day gets better and better, because it does. That I still have a job to keep (when many have become jobless) and do it excellently still, in spite of the distance, with the help of technology, is something that I am always grateful for. And even more thankful for loved ones who continue to be safe.

Being able to go biking on the road is not the achievement but more a consequence of several accomplishments. These are accomplishments that I have had to reach in the many shifts I had to adjust to because of this pandemic. For many of us, that we continue to face the fear for our family and friends is the greatest achievement this year. And, on the side, for me,  overcome the fear of biking on the road. 

And live. Really LIVE.

Nipped

I had wanted an apple tree when I was little. I'd imagined sitting under it, with all the red apples hanging low just waiting for me to pick them. Or I could just wait for them to fall and roll next to me, and the world would be wonderful.

Milk Tea

Panic. That's probably what I'd be in if I dropped my milk tea in front of a throng of people lining up
for their bus ride. I wouldn't mind not being able to get my money's and time's worth getting it. I would worry about the pairs of eyes on me and what they could be thinking. I'd definitely hate to be this guy just now who dropped his iced milk tea, cursing, and dreading having to go back for another one.

Because I could not find a pic...

Probability

I was hurrying to my next meeting a few buildings away from our office with just five minutes to spare. I had been there before, and it only took me two, so I knew I had enough time to get there, and set up the projector. I was lost in thought when a guy grabbed me by the arm, and said, “Oy!” The face looked familiar, but I could not place it anywhere. I was beginning to get worried because one, I barely had enough time to get to the next meeting, and two, with the way he smiled, we must have been pretty close before, and it would be utterly embarrassing if I had not been not able to remember his name. I was about to shift to a customary, “Oy! Kmusta!” and pretend like I knew him and his favourite pet. Then, I remembered.

Under The Stars

For a time, I thought that being a moderate is the best way to get the best of the world. This basically meant I would not be crazy enough to try out new things and end up crashing. The first time I ignored falling was when I learned to ride a bike. I did learn how to, and was even able to stand with one foot on the saddle and another one on the stem. I could neither remember how I did nor how I got the courage to, but I did and not without eating dust and grass, and my knees smiling in the process , as my father would say. Smiling with blood, that is. The cuts were deep, and I was glad nobody thought I needed stitches. 

Pliers

The drawer is broken. It closes fine but when I try to open it, the roller falls off its track and gets stuck. I have tried several ways to fix it but nothing works. In my frustration, I yank it open almost breaking it to pieces. I have to lay off it. Fast. Or I will break it beyond repair.

Mighty Kid

We were going to launch in March, but the sponsor’s latest E-mail said June. It said that, with a lot of things considered, next month is impossible, not even the month after that. Even the steering committee was convinced. I went back to typing an E-mail about the contract I needed signed within the next three days, so the project could start. It took a few minutes for me to realize what this new mail meant, and its irrelevance. This is surprising considering that I have always considered time a river that will run dry any moment. And summer is fast approaching.