Sofa Tears

At some point, one must feel like he has taken in so much.
And I have.
I sat on my filthy sofa, and thought, I should be doing some cleaning today, but that I should also give myself a pass for just not minding anything, not even the leaky faucet in the bathroom. It must have been the general feeling of exhaustion, the slight fever and the headache that got me weeping like a drunk, but why did I whisper, "I am really tired. I want to go home."?
Decades ago, I set out to find adventures and build on a dream, but I have never stopped. I have kept chasing something, and though I had no idea what it was, I kept going, hoping that somewhere along the way, I would figure it out. 35 years later, I am still on the chase, and I still have not figured it out either. So clearly,  either I have missed it, or that I have yet to get at a destination. Or that, scary as it may be, it will never come.
Since the time I said good-bye to my family and start being on my own, I have been at it. Never stopping. Just pushing. Sure, I took some days or even months off to cool down and recharge, but with the idea, that I would be back at it. And I was. Still am.
Now that, for the first time, I am not ashamed to admit being exhausted, I have realized that I have no idea about the place I am trying to be at, and mostly because I have never decided what this destination will look like. I might have already passed it,  and not recognize it.What a shame it would be to have missed the chance of feeling relief and rested.
It's like hearing the sound of a starting pistol going off, then you sprint as fast as you could as everyone else put on their game face and frantically try hard to be one of the first or, at least, not be one of the pack in the back. Sadly, I have never asked where the race is heading, and when do we stop.
Whatever it is, now is a moment to decide.
Where am I really going?
What am I trying to accomplish?

Good Night

It was with a simple good night that I found out about a friend's passing. We were not close, but at some point, we had talked about photography and hiking. Probably, about grammar, too, as we both taught English. And just like that, this phrase has taken on a new meaning. What used to be just something people blurt out before sleep, and take for granted, now has become a sad farewell.

Good night, it wrote on his social media wall, as if he'd still be in the morning for coffee, or to post something I'd most likely ignore. Good night, like we've just had a drawn out discussion about rule of thirds and the last mountain we'd slept on. Interesting how this has created a euphemism for truth- that all has ended for him. It has also made it difficult to wish the same on anyone, a loved one, for example, for it no longer just means a good night. But does it just, really?

The Dare and the Wish

I caught it ever so slightly

That elusive stare 

that masterfully shifts towards my right

And that nervous, yet intentional calm

That only widens the door of doubt,

Extending my wish and prayer for someday

When I'll find out how 

the luxury scent melds with your sweat.

For you

You're sure you've done all?
I have and the wind says, 'Give up'.
But you've always wanted to be a physicist...
I think I've gotten old for childish ambitions.
You couldn't have been mistaken.
I have and I am determined to make it right.
And so you're leaving.

Braving Ignorance

We oftentimes squirm out of a situation that exposes our weakness, like knowing something that everybody seems to get but we don't. I remember how a group of friends in school before talking about Ang Huling El Bimbo and how the song was sad, and all I could do was nod and be as quiet as I could, and pray for the bell to ring. Fast.

Weekends

On a Friday, starting at 3pm, the world feels like it's starting to pack for a weekend breather. This, somehow, brings a different kind of excitement, like everything is permissible. Go ahead, you dont have to finish whatever for Monday always comes.

All of a sudden, you only have to turn in work that can be done within the remaining hours of the work week. No need to hurry to complete anything.

Coffee and Decluttering

The dry season started about three weeks ago. And with it, the kind of humidity that makes showering a decadent dessert.